It’s been said on more than one occasion, that getting words out of me is like getting blood out of a stone. So I could just make this speech by saying four words “Helena I love you”, leave it there and prove some of you right, but I’m not going to do that.
Meeting
Helena and I first laid eyes upon each other on a walk through open fields and woodland to Arundel Castle. This all sounds very romantic and the start of a fairytale romance, but she actually has no recollection of me being on this group walk. They say that opposites attract, but maybe they just need a little time.
On another occasion, Helena eventually got over her shyness and spoke to me. In the first ten minutes of our conversation I learned a lot about Emily’s dog George and his visits to the Chipping Norton Lido for the end of season doggie swim. Helena learned that I was into skiing and we discovered we were both booked to go away on the upcoming 8th Day Adventure ski trip.
Skiing
Once Helena found out that I had friends living in Colorado and that I was planning to go skiing out there, she started to take notice of me all of a sudden. Little did she know at the time, that we would be flying out to Denver later that year to visit both of our friends. She also didn’t know that we’d be travelling standby, that we’d be told 45 minutes before the flight that there were seats for us and that we’d have to run for the plane in a mad panic. No time for that leisurely airport lunch that Helena usually looks forward to.
In March 2018 we went on our first 8th Day Adventure ski holiday together to Les 2 Alpes. On the first day we were in the same group, which was a group of good skiers and one or two gung-ho men who thought they were good skiers. As we were gearing up for our first black run of the day, I casually mentioned to Helena that I was in fact a ski instructor. There had to be a few minor details about myself that I wouldn’t offer up freely from the beginning.
On the Friday of the holiday, we had a fancy dress day with a Monsters vs Aliens theme. Just before breakfast Helena and I had a chance meeting in the corridor, where she helped me into my costume a little too enthusiastically, by zipping up the back of my inflatable Grim Reaper costume. The zipper shot straight off the top of the zip and remained in her hand, which meant I was now sealed in my 7ft inflatable until further notice.
I wasn’t worried about skiing in the ridiculous outfit, in fact I rather enjoyed the attention. If there was an avalanche, I’d least I’d be floating to the surface, with the grim reaper’s head signalling my whereabouts. My biggest concern was how I was going to use the bathroom, now that the zip was broken, without having to part ways with my beloved costume. Helena and I spent many a chairlift ride that day, thinking of ways in which I could stay in my £25 eBay purchase for the rest of the day. Helena’s friend Doireann, being an Engineer suggested that I should pass a plastic bottle up one sleeve and relieve myself in the empty Evian bottle. And so that’s what I did. And the costume stayed on.
Despite knowing that I was a man that would wee into a plastic bottle, just to save a silly outfit, Helena still seemed to like me. We kissed in the falling snow later that night, like a scene from a Richard Curtis movie, just without Hugh Grant (unlucky Helena).
2018
Our first official date in Walthamstow saw us go to a hipster cafe named Bulah. Helena ordered the French toast, a smoothie and a hot chocolate. I ordered a veggie fry-up and a hipster coffee. That was another thing we had in common. We both ate well.
I later discovered from Duncan that Helena was not one to share her food, particularly anything sweet. Despite this, Helena gave me half of her sweet French toast in return for some squeaky halloumi and a couple of pieces of kale, so I got the good end of the deal. We have returned to Bulah a number of times and continue to share to this day.
I then invited Helena to the Italian restaurant just up the river from here, which according to our neighbour, Chef Tom, was the best Italian he’d ever been to. He also claimed a sushi restaurant in Staines to be the “best ever”. Helena and I started referring to everything as “best ever” this, or “best ever” that. We still call the roundabout by Burger King “Best Ever Roundabout”, because it took so long to complete.
Our first date in Staines saw us go to “best ever” Sushi Nara. Although Chef Tom said things with conviction, not everything he said was completely accurate. Chef Tom was adamant that the cherry tree at the end of our garden was in fact an apple tree and he would not be told otherwise, even by my Dad. As you can see, clearly a cherry tree.
The summer of 2018 was also the “best ever” for weather. Helena would come here most weekends and it felt like a Runnymede Rivieria with temperatures nearing 30 degrees for what felt like months. Four years ago yesterday, we were boating on the Thames with Amy and Mo in glorious sunshine.
On another weekend we were building IKEA furniture in our underwear, not because we were early on in our relationship, but because it was so damn hot in the house. I would be testing Helena’s patience by spending too long reading the IKEA instructions, while Helena would be banging in the first drawer that she found, only to find that she’d put it on back to front. We butted heads slightly with our two different approaches and the sauna like conditions tested us, but just like a hot yoga class we pulled through, with a very well priced set of drawers to show for our efforts. Our differing personalities brought out the best in each other eventually.
Engagement
Fast forward past two redundancies, driving go-karts around Tokyo dressed as a ninja turtle and Tigger, a bucket list ski trip, a global pandemic, an extended house built around Helena’s beloved bifold doors and a street dog named Ray, we arrived in 2021, the biggest year of the lot!
After speaking to Big D about my plans to propose, I then headed from my Mum & Dad’s, where we were staying, to the Jewelers in Guildford. With my best poker face on, I told my Mum a white lie and said that I was off to the library. On returning from my secretive trip to Guildford without any library books, I came clean to Mum about the ring, who knew my little secret all along, as Mums do.
When I went back to the Jewelers a second time to pick up the ring, my cover story for Helena was a Sainsbury’s food shop. As I was on my way home Helena sent me a polite, but slightly annoyed message, ‘Can you hurry up please? I’ve got a work call to take and Ray is being a nightmare.’ At least my cover stories were working on Helena and I now had the ring!
One of Helena’s University friends got engaged on a helicopter ride in the Grand Canyon and another friend by Niagra falls. A precedent had been set, except I knew (at least I really hoped) that Helena didn’t want a grand proposal in public and definitely not in a restaurant with lots of prying eyes.
So one Saturday morning, I bundled Ray into the car, checked the ring was in my pocket a thousand times and set off for what Helena presumed was just another dog walk on Chobham Common. For the first 15 minutes of the walk, I was looking out for the right spot to pop the question, changing direction frequently and with a look of concentration on my face. Surely, Helena must know something is up, I thought.
Once I’d decided that the backdrop was as idyllic as possible, I got down on one knee, at which point Ray looked at me as if to say “What are you doing?”, then Helena looked at me and said “What are you doing?!” There was a yes, a kiss and a hug and a LOT of over-excitement from Ray.
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Thank you all so much for coming today, and now for a few individual thank yous.
Dad, thank you for your love of rugby and Take That, neither of which has been passed on to me, but it has allowed me to show interest in two of Helena’s great loves.
Mum, for your deliberate emphasis on the second word or symbol, like a dJ or HeathROW. So that when Helena talks of the NEW forest, Center PARCS and CashEW nuts I understand what she is saying. Amy said I was going to marry a strong woman like my Mum, and she was right.
Amy & Rebecca, for still reminding me 39 years on, that I looked like Orville as a baby and for dressing me up as a child in your favourite costumes. Without that, I wouldn’t have had the imagination for the inflatable grim reaper outfit.
Mo, for always getting the first round in, for always being our DJ and for not playing Take That yet.
Beverley, for your amazing cakes and pavlovas, which mean I never go hungry in Chipping Norton. Can you believe it, Helena has even shared her pudding with me on more than one occasion.
Duncan, for your love of growing lettuces. Before I met Helena, she used to watch crap TV. The Only Way is Essex, Made in Chelsea and Selling Sunset to name a few. The first time Helena saw me watching Monty Don’s gardening program, she said “Ooh Gardener’s World. How exciting!” Now she is the one prompting us to watch it together every week.
Emily and Mick, for hosting us in your house over the last few years. Mick was a big reason that our relationship flourished, by providing us with Liverpool football sheets on our first stay, sprinkled with rose petals. Aidan and Eva for being happy cousins and so caring with little Max.
Maxy, for helping me find my voice, for getting me to sing Disney songs and watch episodes of Bluey the cartoon dog, even after you’ve gone to bed.
All jokes aside, big thanks to the Cowells and Sedgwicks for your love and support over the years and your help with today.
Helena, thank you for taking my jokes in good humour and for bearing my Dad jokes. Thank you for always listening, I know I can get better at this. For always being positive and cheery, even when I take time to warm up in the morning. For encouraging me and getting the best out of me and doing the best for our family. To the best ever friend, best ever mum and now best ever wife. To Helena.